Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize