Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
His hands were made for my vagina.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize