just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
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Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
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I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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