Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
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