Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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