I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize