Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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