is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
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it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
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i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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