I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize