fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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