I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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