Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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