Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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