I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
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I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
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Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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