I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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