His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize