My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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