Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
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