I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
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were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
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In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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