You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
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Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
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She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
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