I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
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I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
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You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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