thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
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It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
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The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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