I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
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Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
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I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
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