just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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