no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
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I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
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do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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