Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
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Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
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Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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