are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
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I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
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I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize