my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
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