shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
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Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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