I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
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