i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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