Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
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He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
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WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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