She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
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