you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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