This dress was meant to end up on your floor
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
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If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
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You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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