If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
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I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
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He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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