Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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