no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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