You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
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I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
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I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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