feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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