My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
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I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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