Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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