Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
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I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
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I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
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