You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
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Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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