Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
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Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
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Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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