I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
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I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
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Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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