i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
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The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
She swung at the pinata with crutches
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
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When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
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