He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
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There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
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He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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