i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
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I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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