i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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